is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
