Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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