my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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