You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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