Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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