remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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