Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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