Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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