last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize