please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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