honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
