Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
