You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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