OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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