she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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