you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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