I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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