I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
