i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
