i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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