I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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