You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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