ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
