update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize