but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
