I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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