I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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