the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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