i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
