We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I think my vagina is haunted
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
