I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Just pee around me
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
