My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize