I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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