You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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