That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
