Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
