somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize