I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
