I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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