She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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