apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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