He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
