we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
