tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
