Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
