What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
