Screwed.edu
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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