Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
