We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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