is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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