im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
