I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
