I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
