sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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