My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
