end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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