watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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