It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
