Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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