Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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