what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
My life is pants optional.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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